Two Keys to Getting the Job Offer

Let’s look at the job search in a totally different way. Instead of being nice, and convincing the prospective employer that you are the person with whom they would most like to spend eight hours a day, convince them that you are someone with whom they cannot afford not to spend eight hours a day (despite the double negative).

Now, just because there may be some fool out there in Readerland who does not understand sarcasm, exaggeration, or being figurative, I neither endorse blackmailing prospective employers, threatening them, nor being anything other than nice. Now that we have gotten the foolishness out of the way, let’s get back to our subject.

Every day I receive a resume that begins, front and center, with a paragraph fool (Sorry. Freudian slip) full of adjectives and self-praise. The individual is a “consummate professional.” They are “well-respected.” And, of course, they are “accomplished.” But nowhere in the paragraph do they actually enumerate any of their accomplishments. A candidate can claim to have worked on a multi-million dollar project, but it could have been a complete and total disaster – because of them! So it is a misleading statement. Being misleading on your resume, will paint you in a corner, when you are interviewing, from which you will never to able to escape. Don’t mislead! Don’t misrepresent! Don’t Mississippi! (I needed three “mis”es for the alliteration but could not think of a third one. Sorry.)

Problem is, and please remember this, there is not an employer in the world who cares what you think of yourself; they only care about what you can do for them. Take a few minutes and reread the part in italics a few times until it sinks in. Excuse me while I go get something to drink.

That was refreshing!

So now that we have eliminated the paragraph that your mother wrote for you, or you a paid a “professional” resume writer to write for you (and, yes, I have received resumes with exactly the same adjectives and in the exact same format, from different candidates, all of whom paid a fortune for that nonsense!), let’s get to the fun part: threatening and blackmailing.

If you begin your resume with a bullet point list of your quantifiable, objective accomplishments, the employer (or their representative) will say, “I have to meet this person.” Remember, the purpose of a resume is to get an interview, not to get the job. So you need to be nice in the interview, not in the resume. In the resume, you have to brag and get to the point. You don’t have time to charm. The resume reader is tired. They will make mistakes. They will miss things. (Yes, me too!) So don’t make them work. As journalists say, “Don’t bury the lead.” Get to the point!

Front and center announce, without shame, what you have done for others. By so doing, you lower the employer’s level of concern. You appear to be someone who can do the job because you have shown that you have done it for others. And therein lies the subliminal blackmail and threat.

When the employer is finished reading your resume you want them to think, “If they don’t work for me, they’ll work for my competitor, and, unless they turn out to be a jerk, I don’t want that. So let’s bring them in QUICKLY!”

And there’s the blackmail. There’s the threat. If I don’t work for you, I’ll work for your competitor. Or, if you prefer,if I don’t work for you, I’ll work against you! Or, if you don’t hire me, your competitor will!

The only way to achieve that result is by focusing on objective, quantifiable accomplishments, not adjectives and self-praise.

Oh, and remember, be nice in the interview. No one hires someone with whom they would not want to spend eight hours a day.